Why "now" is so hard to do.

For my second trick... I mean my second post... I thought I might as well go ahead and contradict a statement that I made in my first post (I have come to embrace the fact that much of life, at least my life, seems to be about contradiction... things that refuse to resolve). I said in my last post that I thought "time" was a "load of crap". Let me revise that statement: I like the idea that Time is a human invention to explain our existence, and not something that God is bound to or is even generally concerned with. I think that this would help me deal with the fact that at least 50 percent of life is very unsatisfying and frustrating. Despite my time conspiracy, I realize that no matter what I think sounds good or makes sense, time is here to stay! I think I can learn to deal.

Here's the thing that time does that I think is the hardest part for me... it makes things "past," "present," and "future." For instance, right now, as I write, this is "present" -- or "now." But right now, as you're reading this, this act of writing is now "past." But get this; my supposing you're reading this... that's "future!" Stop and get a glass of water if you need to! Now if we throw in a flux capacitor, a jacket/vest, a Delorian, and a wild-eyed Doc Brown, well now we're going Back to the Future... don't even try to sort out the pasts and presents and all that on that movie series. You'll end up with a pretty complex set of feelings for Michael J Fox that might not ever heal.

I think most people like the idea of FUTURE best-- the time that comes after now. They like the future because anything could be there. Even the Magic 8-Ball can't see it clearly all the time (Ask Again Later), and it's pretty certain that Miss Cleo has got about as good a grip on what's going on in the future as she does on her Jamacain-esque accent. So we like the future, especially when we're young, because it can be whatever we dream it to be. We also like it because it's a great way to convince ourselves to do or not do things in the present. The future is by far the greatest scapegoat/cop-out operating today.

"Hey you guys want to watch a movie tonight?"
"No man, I got stuff to do tommorow."

See! Do you recognize this? That's future-as-cop-out!

So then there is the past... and some people get there kicks off of the past. I tend to be one of these people. My whole past is mythologized. People like me tend to take the past and whistle a low whistle and say things like, "Things aren't like they used to be!" I think I tend to romanticize my past; making sentimentality at every opportunity. I love my past and look at each part of it and try to tell it like a good story... because that's the least I can do. My entire "now" is spent thinking about "then" and what I miss, what I regret, and what I wish I could get to do again. Some of us like to use past to try and make the present feel bad, like the present just can't measure up.

And then there's the now. This one is hard. We don't like this one.

Be present. Do not be past, do not be future, Be NOW.

I secretly and desperately want to be now. But now means responsibility. Now means that I have to move... I have to act. Now means that I have to concentrate and be fully in EVERY now! The good ones and the bad ones. That means I'm not allowed to take vacations to the future, or sentimental siestas in the past... I'm to be in every second of NOW. That means hurting sometimes. There's the good stuff too. But I think what I'm most afraid of about trying to be in every now is the suffering. Now is hard to do because now means finding "joy" and "peace" in suffering. It means finding beauty in difficult things and redeeming the tough moments. Now is hard to do.