Too Much Too Late -or- The Conspiracy of All Things at 2:00AM

Maybe I have read too many books. Maybe I have tried to string together too many things and tried too much to make them mean something. When it is quiet and late, and honesty is all there is, I hear the echo of one question; "Why is there something instead of nothing?"

Beauty, intricacy, and feelings are too complicated subjects to be the design of no one, from nowhere, for no reason. A tree, old rocks turned into buildings, some old and cracking and crumbling... they must mean something instead of nothing.

So I sit as honestly as I can and search everything around me trying to find out why; trying to find the truth.

Blood rushing through my veins sounds so loud that I can hear nothing else.

And I can almost hear it. I am paranoid thåt my own bones and cells and the communities of bacteria that I house and give life to know something that I can only say that I believe.

My own lungs burning with air and my own heart beating with persistance are involved in a conspiracy of not giving up what they know.

The pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat sit silently mocking me and my wonder.

Something beats within my chest crying out to be known. Something fills my lungs and burns for to be considered. Some truth resides in the core of my bones that cannot be ignored.

There is something instead of nothing. This all means something. Enjoy this. You are here and you are created. Be. Exist. Live and live well. Try to watch and listen for the subtle whispers that tell the truth of eternity. Do not ignore or try to explain away the complexities. Embrace them. Invite the mystery in for a long talk. Let it work on you and make you wonder.

Because there is something instead of nothing, I have hope.

God whom I believe because I must, help me to listen. Help me to trust what everything inside me cries out. Help me to see the writing of your hand on the environment that surrounds me. Even when it is late at night, let me not ignore you. Let me be awed not by your existence, but by my own. God, be all that is true and that I have hoped for. May this body and this world rest tonight, knowing You. Amen.