What To Do After Being Frisked and While Waiting For A Flight -or- A Social Hiearchy of the Airport

There are no poor people at the airport.

There are different people, a smattering of different cultures, styles, ages, races, and nationalities (nationalities because this is an INTERNATIONAL airport, and a big-ass one at that).

But everyone here has nice things. The lowest folks on the totem pole of airport society are the small business guys. You can recognize them by their polo shirts with logos, their heavily weathered brief cases circa ’85, their bad, wispy haircuts, and their well-worn dress shoes that do not, under any circumstances match their socks. They bring their own stuff to the airport. Their own reading material, their own bag of Big League chew, their own refreshments, and their own particular musty scents. Look out for these guys, they will talk to you for longer amounts of time about more meaningless b.s. than any people in the world. Avoid eye contact, or you might end up with a new cell phone service provider called McCell Phones. Talk about bad service.

Then there are the “real” businessmen. They walk fast, they wear nice suits, and the buy all kinds of crap they don’t need at the airport, like 500 dollars headphones. Do not stand in front of them and try not to listen to their conversations… you might end up in the pen like Martha Stewart because you unwittingly picked up some insider trading tips.

Then there are these people who I call “the travelers.” They may be on a flight to Fresno from Dallas, but they are decked out like they are either going on a Safari or to the tropics. I have no idea who these people are, or how they can afford to travel so much, but they do. They cram so much more crap into a fanny pack that it makes you fell like an inferior human being for your checked bag AND your carry on. Also, if the plane happens to go down stranding you in the ocean or on a deserted island, these people are going to be valuable, They are the “professors” of the island. Okay, wait, I’m wrong… I just saw one sniffing a bag with his wife and talking about how badly it smelled… they are the gilligans. They bought shitty headphones to. No more than a dollar forty-nine.

Then there are the normal people. People like me. We’re hear for short trips and aren’t all that interested in making purchases at the airport outside of water and gum.

There is also a TGI Fridays in this airport, which means I have to go.