Using Everything to Figure Out Nothing -or- "We Do! We Do! We Do!"

I try to make sense of it all using the evidence I have-- the dreams, the experiences, this thing that happened over here, and that thing that happened over there, and so on and so forth. My conclusion is that either I am incredibly inept at solving puzzles and conundrums, or things are so massively complicated and confused that "it" is not to be made much sense of at all. The this and that are so confusing that it is pretty well established that they don't help make any particular meaning, so I look to the mystery of dreams and try to find "it"...

I've had nightmares before. Simple nightmares that have to do with too much dinner too late at night and the TV shows that rattle in the minds of two-year-olds. The first nightmare I remember having is still vivid. A blue background with a yellow circle in the middle. There are train tracks coming out of the circle and a train bearing down on me. Cookie Monster is driving it and yelling and eating cookies as he always does, despite my cries for help. I awake.

Then there are the more complicated ones, walls of sand in our living room, if touched or disturbed, even a grain, would cause snakes to appear. I am surrounded by the sand walls and no one in my family can move to get me out-- not mom, not dad, not anne-- because moving would just spill sand and make more snakes. I awake caked in little kid sweat and tears.

And there are the reaccuring nightmares. The ones about real life that I've seen and that happen again in the theater in my mind. Surround sound. 3-D. It looks so real, just like it did. I do the same things. Over and over again I do the same things I did and the same things that happened happen again. I can't make them stop. I can't make those things unhappen, even in my dreams.

...and then I have "good dreams" too. Which are sometimes sad also because they aren't real. I dream about wonderful things happening, happy things, corny things, funny things all happening and I wake up only to decipher them using logic and find out that no, they aren't real and didn't happen-- and I am in bed, and it's too late or too early to be thinking of such good things happening when there is work to be done so soon. Such un-dreamlike business to attend to.

I stand above things and try to make them mean something. Mean something more than this! Be more than a pile of dirt and sticks between trees! Please! Because if dirt and sticks is all there is then this "life is no way to treat an animal" and Kurt was right.

Chemical and biological reactions occur-- coming from someplace-- and water wells inbetween eyelids and overflows without any accompanying sounds, not even breath.

Be more. Be more. Be more.

Don't stay small and silent. Don't stay down there in piles of dirt, sticks, and leaves. If the dirt wins, if that's the way it happens, then the nightmares are telling the truth about no control and sad things. In the meantime I will continue my mantra with a furrowed brow: "mean something... mean something... mean something..." and try to listen to the atoms and rocks and leaves crying back... trying to hear them say: "we do! we do! we do!" I will say that the black space between the burning stars means something is deeper. I hope the "it" of life means someting infinitely more complicated than I could imagine.

Be bigger. Be louder. Be everywhere.