GUEST BLOG: Dr. Valerie Targhetta Expands Your Worldview As You Read!

(I've done it. I've become a blog revolutionary. I feel like I've won the top pick in the draft. I've got one of the smartest human beings that I know, Valerie Targhetta, to guest-post on my blog. I win. Those of you who know Valerie are wetting your pants with excitement right now, those of you who don’t know her will soon be wetting your pants for some reason or another. Not only is Valerie an insanely thoughtful and intelligent bad-ass, but she is earning a badonkadonk-load of degrees right now in Long Island. I am an equal opportunity blogger, and I am proud to have Val drop some knowledge on us from the feminine, comical, and scholarly perspective. –Matt)

Valerie Targhetta on the Y chromosome:

I have been frustrated with you men lately. There are a few reasons for this.

1) I am writing a couple of papers on the topic of mental health, specifically the association between depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and alcohol use in women. While the focus is women, a reoccurring theme of men screwing women over seems to be a primary cause of women’s mental health. I can give you lots of very scientific evidence for this. Or, I can refer you to the Women’s Entertainment channel.
2) I have had some entertaining interactions with men lately that have made my life somewhat like a movie, or a reality television show. One of these incidents I brought upon myself, the other one was sooooo not my fault. It has led me to believe that some men are assholes or just really stupid, or both.
3) I have spoken to some friends recently, who have had some bad experiences with men, their fathers in particular. This has been the most upsetting.

So here I am, man-hating for a little while. Maybe it’s my attempt to be more like Anne Lamont. I should first say that I know not all men are responsible for my frustration; there are a number of “good ones” out there. I could fill pages and pages with the good things about you good men, and how you have shaped my life. Thank you. Also, I know that women can also be a source of great frustration for men, and for my part in that I apologize to you men, and can honestly say that I consciously try to not be “that girl”.

That being said, I am pissed off at the Y chromosome.

I like to think of myself as a compassionate, sympathetic and open-minded person. Those are qualities I value very highly, and admire in other people. And then, a friend says a few words that reveal what has been going on inside their head, and I had no idea. Have you had this experience? Where one line gives such clarity to the thoughts, feelings, and interpretations that you were previously oblivious, or ignorant to. And I feel stupid, and blind, and selfish for not seeing it. For not realizing what was going on, or for ignoring it, or for being unable to change it.

It’s so unfair; the patterns of thoughts and behavior we get caught in. The way our experiences shape our interpretation of our experiences, which shapes our behavior, and therefore….shapes our future experiences. And we are trapped in the cycles, and we rarely see them in ourselves, just in the lives of those around us. Pointing out the pattern, or the lies that they are built upon rarely helps, because we take experiences and shape them to confirm our bias, to confirm what previous experience has taught us to be true. Trying to fight with someone’s pattern does little, and leaves me feeling helpless. I truly despise feeling helpless. Helplessness often causes me to fall back on one of those cheesy church lines, but reminds me of the truth and beauty behind cheesy church lines, like I’ll be praying for you.

I know this has all been vague, but that is how it must be. The best I can do is to offer one far too common experience that often leads to a particular pattern in women. I don’t know the actual prevalence of this experience, but I know that I can make a list of my close friends who have shared this experience.

I am convinced that this experience shapes almost every decision that these young women make. That it is one of the most influential experiences in how they see the world, and how they think the world interacts with them.

The experience is this: A man cheats on his wife, he lies, he is distant, he plays at being closer to his daughter than his wife, the daughter is privilege to information that she then hides from her mother, and then he leaves.

Affaire
Lies
Abandonment

You can imagine the impact this has on young women. Sadly, I imagine you all know a woman who has experienced this. I can assure you, you have seen the ensuing pattern in these women’s lives. This is the cause of my man-hating rant. These men make me so….mad. Mad at how they treat the people they claim to love. Mad at how stupid they are. Mad at how selfish they are. Mad at how they have caused their daughters to be so distrusting, doubting, skeptical, and self-conscious.

People typically remember the beginnings and ends of things the most. So in an attempt at lightening the mood of this entry, I would like to say that my dad is one of the greatest men in the entire world. I love him very much, and I have never had to doubt that he loves me very much. For this, I am very thankful.